MeetmyperfectChristianfamily.We’rewelldressed.Ourhomeismeticulouslymaintained.Wegiveofourtime,talentandtreasuretotheserviceofGod.Afrienddescribedmyfamilyasoneofthemostput-togethershe’severseen.AndIwasshockedbecausehere’sthereality:We’rechallengedbeyondanythingI’veeverknown.Yousee,I’mneurotypical,andmyhusband–whomIlove–isautistic.Wehavelearnedtodealwithautisminmarriage.
I’ddescribeourcourtshipassweetobsession.He’drecordmyvoiceduringconversationsandplayitbacktome,explaininghowbeautifulmyinflectionswereandhowsoftandtendermyvoicewaswhenwechatted.Hetookpicturesofmedoingrandomthingslikewalkingoutofastore.He’dwritelovenotesandleavethemundermycarwindshieldwipers.Hetreatedmetofancyrestaurantsandgavemeexpensivegifts.He’dgivemeshouldermassagestohelpmede-stress,andwe’dgoforwalksalongtheboardwalkatdusk,silentlysavouringourtimetogether.Helavishedmewithaffirmingwords,tellingmeIwasbeautiful,smart,godlyandloved.Itwasenchanting.
WhenIwaswithhim,Ifeltwhollyacceptedandwoulddescribeourrelationshiptofriendsas“ahandinaglove.”Iwasenamouredbyhisloyalty,servicetoothers,generosity,willingnesstohelp,devotiontohisfamilyandintegrity,andsowemarried.
Manypeoplewithautismhavestronginterests,whichareintegratedintotheirroutinesandbecomeawayforthemtorelax.LittledidIknowatthetime,Ihadbeenaspecialinterest.Workingtowardahealthierrelationshiptookmanyyears.
Immediatelyaftermarriage,everythingchanged.Myhusbandceasedtoengagewithmeandourtwochildren.(HeandIeachhadachildfrompreviousmarriages.)I’dcomehomeatnighthopingforsometogetherness,butthehousewasamess,dinnerhadtobepreparedandthechildrenneededhelpwithhomework,yetmyhusbandwassittingalone,behindacloseddoorimmersedinlearningaboutcellphones,atopictotallyunrelatedtohiswork.Confused,Itookuptheslack,hopingonedayI’dseethemanIlovedagain.
Butnothingchanged,evenafterwehadachildtogether.
Thingsbegantofallapart.Lefttodoeverythingalone–raisethechildren,cleanthehouse,buyourfurnishings,createasociallife,paybills,volunteeratthechurch,celebrateholidays–Igrewjealousofhisemotionaldependenceoncellphoneresearch.Hourswerededicatedtothisinterest.Throughpregnancy,sicknesses,jobtroublesandanythinginourlives–bigorsmall–hetalkedaboutandfocusedonlyoncellphones.
Whydoesn’thelovemeanymoreIwondered.Hispassionhadonceburnedbrightforme,andnowtherewasadarknesssodeepitseemedimpenetrable.Itwaslikelivingwithastranger,ormorelikeanunemotionalrobot.
Onenight,afterseveralweeksinwhichhe’dnotsaidmuchofanythingtome,Iaskedhimtocometobedwithme.Heagreed.Giddyforalittleattention,Ishowered,litafewcandlesandchangedintoaprettynightgown.Anhourwentby,thenmorethananhour,andtherehesatgluedtohisscreen.IwassodesperateforlovethatIbecamemanic.Ihurledinsultsathim.Hejumpedup,hisagitationgrewviolentashegrabbedhisloungechairandhurleditacrosstheroomatme.Iranout,andthewoodenchairlegpiercedadeepgougeintothedoor,slammingitshut.
Igrewdespondent.Heretreatedfurtherintohisinterest.Andanewcycleofverbalviolenceemerged.
Autism,largelyasociallearningdisorder,impairedmyhusband’sabilityto“start,keepandmaintainarelationship,”explainedHolmes.“Communicationisusuallywhymanycouplescometocounselling,”sheshared.“Butinthisdynamiconepartnerliterallyhasadisabilityinunderstandingcontext,tone,facialexpressions,nonverbalcommunicationandoftenlacksexpressivenessortheabilitytomodulatetoneorvolumeineverydaysituations.Beyondthis,theyalsooftenhaverestrictiveinterests,patternsorroutines.What’smore,theautisticpartnerexperiencesmeltdownsthatlooklikerageiftheroutineischangedortimeiscutshortfromtheinterest.Theneurotypicalspouseexperiencespainfullonelinessbecausethespousewithautismwouldratherbedoingsomethingwiththeinterestthanwithhimorher.”
“Thispersonisusuallyareallynicepersonandmayfaithfullygiveandservethechurch.Totheoutsideworld,thesegooddeedsspeaksomuchtohisorhercharacter,butthespouseisalwayssecondorthirdfiddletotheautisticspouse’swork,interestsandservice,”Holmesshared.
Iknewthisalltoowell.Onetime,Isharedthepainofmymarriagewithapastorwhoknewusbothandrespectedmyhusband.Hereplied“Ifyourhusbandismeanandnotpayingenoughattentiontoyou,livewithit.That’snotagoodenoughreasontoendamarriage.”AndbeforeImetHolmes,apriorcounsellortoldme,“IfallIhadtotolerateinmymarriagewascommunicationissues,I’dstillbemarried.”
Holmessays,“Whencounsellorsaretrainedinmaritaltherapy,it’sassumedthatbothpeopleincounsellingareneurotypical.However,ifonespouseisontheautismspectrum,therearebasicskillsthatmustbetaughtbeforetherapy,suchasperspective-taking,learningaboutmind-blindness,buildingafeelingvocabulary(asmanyalsolackemotionalawareness),andcommunicationandconflictmanagementcoaching.”
BeforeImetHolmes,Iwasindistressandthedownplayingofmyveryrealandrawemotionsbegantoaffectmyhealth.Myhairfellout.Iexperiencedtinglingandnumbnessinmyhandsandfeet.AndIdevelopedinsomnia,heartpalpitationsandextremefatigue.Ibecamehighlyanxiousandwasgiventopanicattacks.
Withoutsupport,manyneurotypicalspousesofpartnerswithautismfallintodepression,developOngoingTraumaticRelationshipSyndromeorautoimmunedisordersfromthebatteryoftherelationship.
Holmessays,“Theanecdotalevidencesuggeststhatthestressofthislivingsituationbreaksdowntheimmunesystemovertime.Stressisassociatedwithimmuneissuesandotherhealthconditions.Inthissituation,it’songoingstresswithoutrelieforvalidation.”
ThroughHolmes,myhusbandandIlearnedhowtotakeanearlyimpossiblemarriageandmakeitmanageable.Godalsodirectedmetoafreeonlinesupportgroupforthosemarriedtoautisticadults.
BecauseofthepowerfulguidanceandsupportIreceivedfromStephanieHolmesandothers,IamabletoofferthesetipsIlearnedfromHolmestoanyonemarriedtoapersonwithautism.
Lifeisn’tblackandwhite.Weliveinafallenworld.Yet,throughthisverypainfulandpersonalsituation,I’velearnedthereishopeinbrokennessnomatterhowdesperatethesituationmayfeel.Godcanhelpneurotypicalpartnerswhofindthemselvesinamarriagewithsomeoneontheautismspectrum.It’shard,butnotimpossiblewithGod.
Ifyouwouldliketospeaktooneofourin-houseChristiancounsellors,youcancallourteamat1.800.661.9800MondaytoFriday,8a.m.to4p.m.tosetupafree,one-timephonecounsellingconsultation.
Collaborationbetweentheneurotypicalandautisticparentcanmakeparentingsuccesspossible!
NicoleMaristhepseudonymforafreelancewriterinthegreaterRaleigh,NorthCarolinaarea.
?2019NicoleMar.Allrightsreserved.Usedwithpermission.OriginallypublishedatFocusOnTheFamily.com.
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