1.Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.____________
2.Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.___________________
3.Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.
___________________________
例1.（2分段）
Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.Longage,womenonlydidsomethinginthekitchenorathome.Nowmanyofthemhaveseriousjobstoserveforpeople.Whatmencandosocanwomen.
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Todayinthefamily,thewifeoftenlotsherhusbandtodosomethingathomebatago,onlywomendidsomething.Menarefonedofdoingsomethingathome.
Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Sometimes,thematter,thehusbandhittinghaswelf,oftenhappened.Inthefactorythewonmentoasmuchasthemen,buttheyarepaidlessthanthemen.Somepeoplehavenotcompletelyrealizedtheliberationofwomen.
东方教育点评：条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
具体问题剖析：(1)缺乏逻辑，东一句西一句，没有围绕中心论述，如第一段就没有展开论述妇女社会角色的转变，说得太笼统而缺乏说服力。
（2）用汉语思维，句子有明显的汉语痕迹，如“Whatmencandosocanwomen.”，应改为“Womencandowhatmencando”。
（3）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如“Sometimes,thematter,thehusbandhittinghaswelf,oftenhappened”，应改为“Thecasethathusbandhitshiswifeoftenhappens.”
（4）拼写错误很多，大部分句子均有错误。
例2.（5分段）
Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.Intoday,manywomenhaveawork.Theyworkedaswellasmenplayinganimportantpartinfactories.Therearemanywomeningovernmentalso.Theyleadotherpeoplecountry,andmakeoutplans.Therearemanyscientistslso.Theyeventnewthingstoimproveourlife.
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Inancient,women’spositioninfamilyispity.Theyhadtolooksaftertheirchildren,dideveryhowhusbandorderedhertodo.Butnowitischanged.Theyareequaltoherhusband.Theyhavetherightofspeakingofidea,discussionthingwithherhusband,dowhatshewantstodo.
Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Wealsoshouldrealize,women’likertyarelimited.Forexample,manyfactorieswantmenbecomeitsworkersbutthechanceofwomenislessthanmen.Everyoneshoulddotheirbesttochangethiscondition.I’msure,theliberationofwomenwouldbeincreased.
东方教育点评：基本切题。但表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。有较多的严重语言错误。
具体问题剖析：（1）各段围绕中心句论述不深入，没有说服力。
（2）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如第一段几个句子之间可以用一些“besides”、“ontheotherhand”、“furthermore”、“inaddition”等。
（3）语言错误较多，很多句子不通顺，如“Intoday,manywomenhaveawork.”应改为“Today,manywomengetajob.”(滥用介词)；“Inancient,women’spositioninfamilyispity”中pity应改为pitiful（词形误用）；“Theyhadtolooksaftertheirchildren,dideveryhowhusbandorderedhertodo.”中every改为everything，how改为what（代词错误）；“Theyhavetherightofspeakingofidea,discussionthingwithherhusband,dowhatshewantstodo.”应改为“Theyhavetherighttoexpressideas,discussthingswiththeirrespectivehusband,anddowhattheywantto.”(人称代词前后不一致)。
例3.（8分段）
Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.ManyWomentodayareplayinganimportantpartatworksthatwasthoughtonlycouldbedonebythemenbefore.Foranexample.Somewomenarenotsecrtaryintheoffice,instead,theybecomemanagerofacompany.
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Intheworldtoday,moreandmorewomenhavetheirownjob.Theygettheirownsalary,andbecomemoreindependentfromtheirhusband.Withtheeconomicsituationimproved,theirfamilypositionisimproving.
Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Manyhusbandsonlywanthiswifetostayathome,anddohouseworksordosomeshopping.Theyonlywanttheirwifetobeahousewife,butnotamanagerofacompany.
东方教育点评：基本切题。有些地方表达思想不够清楚，文字勉强连贯；语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。
具体问题剖析：（1）论证不够深入，缺少事例，缺少说服力。
（2）文字缺连贯、且显累赘，如第二段可以把各句再改得简练一点并且有适当的转承词。（3）语言错误相当多，如“Foranexample”，“Somewomenarenotsecrtaryintheoffice,instead,theybecomemanagerofacompany.”应改为“Somewomenareonlongersecretariesintheoffice,instead,theybecomemanagersofthecompanies.”（单复数）
例4.（11分段）
Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.Moreandmorewomengotoworktoearnmoneyinsteadofkeepingthehouseorlookingafterthechildren.Womenhaveenteredmanyfieldsofsocietyincludingscientificfield.Asweknow,manywomensportsteamshavewontheworld’schampionssuchasChinesewomen’sVolleyballTeam.
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Husbandsarenotthemastersofwivesinmanyplaces.Husbandsandwivesareequalnow.Theyjointogethertoovercomedifficultiesandsharehappiness.
Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Alsoinsomeplaces.Womenareconsideredbeing“thing”belongtomen.Theyhavelittlechancetofindjobs.Theydon’tgetequalpayforequaljob.Thisisaproblemmustbesolvednotonlybysocietybutalsobywomenthemselves.
东方教育点评：切题。表达思想清楚，文字连贯，用词比较准确，但有少量语言错误，如“Alsoinsomeplaces.Womenareconsideredbeing“thing”belongtomen”，应改为“Alsoinsomeplaces，womenareconsideredbeingthe“things”thatbelongtomen”
例5.（14分段）
Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.InManycountries,moreandmorewomenareactingasworkers,farmers,scientistsandevenleaders.Wecansaythatalmostalljobswhichmencandoaredoneperfectlybywomen.Womenarenolongerlookeddownuponbysociety.
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Husbandandwifearenowequalinthefamily.Theycopewithproblemsofdailylifetogether,andsharehappinesswitheachther.Also,youcanhardlyfindoutthatintoday’sfamilies,womenarebeingbusywithdinners,whereasmencomfortablysittinginarmchairs,readingnewspapers.
Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Anumberofmenstilljealouslyguardtheirrights,andregardwomenasincapablecreature.Fewwomenareallowedtoattendimportantinternationalmeetingsdominatedbymen.That’sreallytheproblemsweshouldsolveimmediately.
东方教育点评：切题。论证充分，有说服力，论证手段丰富（举例、正反）表达思想清楚，语言流畅，词汇丰富，连贯性好。用词准确，仅有个别小错误。
p.s.由于一些例文错误较多，点评中只是列举了部分的典型错误，而且为了保持原文面貌，编辑没有做过多的改动，所以欢迎大家一起来挑错，有问题和小水一起讨论。
2003年9月考试四级作文题：TheDayMyClassmateFellIll(orGotInjured)
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……
Oneday,weareallinclassroom.Wangfangsaid,Oh!Weallseeherandfoundthatshewascrying!Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,Idogotafever,myheadisveryhot!FengGangsentshetohospital,weallfollowedthey.Inthehospital,doctorWanggiveainjecttoher,shegraduallycalmandnothotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.
东方教育点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后：
Oneday,whenwewereallinclassroom.,WangfangSuddenlycried,,Oh!Wealllookedatherandfoundthatshewasgroaning.Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,Ihavegotafever,myheadisveryhot!
Immediately,ourteachersenthertohospital,andweallfollowedthem.Inthehospital,weaskeddoctorWangtogiveaninjectiontoher,andshegraduallybecamecalmandnotashotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.
Thedayhaspassed,butitisclearlyinmymind.Ithinkifwecandothingslikethatintheincident,thesocietywillbebetter,andtherelationshipbetweenpeoplewillbebetteraswell!
Lastweek,liningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningsaidtomethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhetoseedoctor.hesaiditwasnotbad.After5miniuts,liningsaitomehisheadacheveryserious.SoIhelpedhimgotohosptial
AlthoughttherewasSARSaroundus,butIfeltveryrmfromthisthing.Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcanhelpcomeacrossanydifficult.Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmthfamily.Andnotverylong,myclassmatewasgettinghealthyandcouldcometoschoolagain.Howhappywewere!
东方教育点评：本文切题，表达思想清楚，文字比较连贯,但有一些语法错误。
具体问题剖析：全文有一些语法、语言错误，如In1April2003,oneofmyclassmateswasgetseriouscold.应改为In1April2003,oneofmyclassmatesgotseriouscold.（时态）；Firstdaywhenhecametoschool,应改为Thefirstdaywhenhecametoschool,（介词遗漏）；hissoundwasrough.应改为hisvoicewasrough.（用词）；AlthoughttherewasSARSaroundus,Ifeltverywarmfromthisthing.应把but去掉（连词）；Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcanhelpcomeacrossanydifficult.应改为Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcouldhelpcomeacrossanydifficulties.（时态、词性错误）；Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmthfamily.应改为Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmfamily.（词性）。
DuringtheSARSperiodinthisspring,theyearof2003,oneofmyclassmates,Liming,wasstruckdownbythevirusandwasimmediatelysenttohospital.
Thenewsspreadquicklyoncampus.Atfirst,wewereterrifiedandwonderedifwewereinfectedtoo.However,throughourgovernmentspublicityonmassmedia,wegraduallyconqueredthefearandsetouttotryoutbesttohelpher.SometeachersprovideddarlynecessitieswhilesomestudentsrecordedtheEnglishclasscontentsforhimsothatLimingcouldnotbeleftbehind.Withourcareandconcern,Limingrecoveredquickly.
Suchanincidentteachesusagoodmoral.Oursocietyisfulloflove,warmandpeaceful,inwhichpeople-frommantowoman,fromindividualtoindividual-lendothersahand.Justlikeafamoussonggoes,theworldwillturnittoheavenonlyifeveryonecontributesalittle.andIdobelievethatitsmygreathonortoliveinthislove-filledparadise!
东方教育点评：本文切题，论证丰富生动，表达思想清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好。基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。
2003年9月六级考试作文题：
图表作文，关于一个美国大学图书馆的图书流动量（popfiction,generalnonfiction,science,art等），给出他们的流动比例对比，说明原因，并说明你自己喜欢阅读什么样的书。
此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。
（为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……）
Fromthenovel,wecanseethatthestudentslikeread(reading)novel,atthesametime,only(a)smallpartofstudentslikeread(reading)scienceandart.
Thereasonto(for)thisisnovelisintereting(interesting),studentslikereadingit.Mostofthestudentsreadtoomuch(many)majorbookswhentheyhaveclasses,sotheywanttoreadsome(something)interesting(when)theyhavetime.Novelcanletthemrelax(relaxed).Sotheychoosenovel.
Ilikeread(reading)novel,byreadingitIknowalotofthings,Ialsorelaxmybrains.SoIchoosethenovel.
东方教育点评：(1)基本切题。
(2)表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。
(3)有较多的严重语言错误。
（4）字数不够，要酌情扣分。
Wecanknowfromthepicturethatmostofstudentslikereadingpopularnovelinsteadofreadingscience,poetry.Fromthiswecanknowdifferentpeoplehavedifferentaddictionto(preferencesfor)books.
Differentpeoplehavedifferentaddictionto(preferencesfor)books.Theyreaddifferentbooksjusttomeettheirdifferentneeds.Becausedifferentpeoplehavedifferentmeetstoreadthedifferentkindsofbooks.Fromthiswecanalsoseethatdifferentpeoplehavedifferentintentionsandnotions.Sotheychoosethedifferentthingstomeettheirneedsineveryfacetinlife.
IlikereadingpoetrybecauseIthinkpoetrycanmakemecalm,pleased,comfort(comforted),(and)Icanseemanybeautifulthing(things)inthepoetry.
(2)第二段表达有点乱。
（3）语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。
Bookisthesourceoflife.Whenwereadabook,weshouldnotonlylingeronthesurfaceofabook,butalsoweshould(删掉)masteritsintrinsic.Asischartedintheblank,wecanseeclearlythatamajorityoftheuniversitystudentsinAmericaareaddictet(addicted)tothepopularfiction,andaminorityofstudentlikereadingthescience,poetry.
WhydotheylikereadingpopularnovelsInmyopinion,popularnovelbooksareusuallyinteresting,earthly,closetoourlives.Incontrast,science,poetrybooksareusuallyserious,dullanddifficult.Therefore,mostofthestudentspreferthepopularnovels.
Ilikereadingthesincebook（sciencebooks）.Foronething,itcanmakemeenhancemyspecialityknoweledy(specializedknowledge);Inaddition,itcanhelpmeknowthefrontieraboutmyspecialityandmasterthenewestthingsinsince(science);thirdly,itcangiveagoodchancetoknowalotandcanhelpmetostudytheusefulsubjectwhenIgraduatefromtheuniversity.
东方教育点评：（1）本文基本切题，表达思想清楚。
（2）文字连贯，语言通顺。
（3）有一些语言错误。
ItcanbediscernedthattheAmericanstudentsprefertoreadthepopularnovelratherthanotherkindofbooks,suchasthenonpopular(unpopular)novel,thebooksoftechnology,poemandsoon.Thepercentageofthepopularnovelcurrent(currently)isabout68.2%.Otherkindofnovelscurrent(currently)is,reletively(relatively),about16.8%,8.3%,and5.2%.
Itisnothardtothinkoutwhythepopularnovelscanattractsomanystudents.Thepopularnovelisinteresting,andnotsoabstractasbooksthatfullofthemathmaticformulate(mathematicformulae).However,asuniversitystudents,studyisthefirsttaskforustodo.Soweshouldpaymoreattentiontothebooksaboutourmajor.Fictionsmaycolorourlife,butitcannotbethekeypartofourstudyinglife.
Personally,Iwouldliketospendmyfreetimeinreadingbooksaboutmymajor,suchastechnologydigests,computernewspaper...BecauseIwantdoto(删掉)agoodjobinmysubjects.Fortunately,mydreamscometrue,meanwhile,Ivegainedotherthings--Ifound（havefounded）asolidbasicknowledgeaboutmymajor(加破折号)makemefeeleasytocontrivetheelectroniccircuitwhichhavetobedoneduringourbacheloryears.Thankstothosebooks!
东方教育点评：（1）切题。
（2）论证比较有力，表达思想清楚。
（3）文字通顺，连贯性较好，但有个别语言错误。
注：文中划线部分为原文的一些明显语言错误，括号里的为修改建议，为保持原文面貌，对于结构没有做过多改动。
2003年6月考试四级作文题：AnEye-WitnessAccountofaTrafficAccident
假设你在某日某时某地目击一起车祸，就此写一份见证书。
见证书须包括以下几点：
2、你所见到的车祸情况；
3、你对车祸原因的分析。
At9:00,Jan.20,2003,Ieye-witnessatrafficaccidentinDongfangStreet.
Iseethata（an）oldpeopleishitted(hit)byacar.
Inmyopinion,therapiddriveristhemainreason,buttheoldpeoplealsohashiserror.
东方教育点评：（1）字数明显不够，尽管都点题了，但只有三句话。
（2）有语法错误。
Inmyopinion,thedriverofBenzautoshouldbeblamedon(for)thetrafficaccident.Itwashisdrunkdrivingthatresultedinthisaccident.
Itisnot(no)doubtthatthetrafficaccidentisahigh(hot)topicinthemodern(modern)society,differentpeoplehavedifferentattitude(attitudes)tothis.
Whenitcome(comes)totheaccident,peoplethinkitresponsibleforthedriver.ButlastSundayIsee(saw)a(an)accident.Awomancrossedastreetwhenacarturn(turnedat)thecrossing.itistoolatetostopthecar,Thewomenwasbad(badly)hurt.Thepeoplewhowaswalkingalongthestreettookthewomantohospital,(and)thedrivercamewiththem.
Asfaras（Iam）concerned,thebothsideshaveresponsibilityforthis,begin（atthebeginning）,thewomanshouldnotcrossthestreet.Forthemore,thedrivershouldpaymoreattention.Last.weshouldtakepropermeasure.Only(when)wetakethemeasureandwe（become）morecarefulcanwehaveacolorful（life）tomorrow.
东方教育点评：(1)本文基本切题。
（2）但有的地方表达思想不清楚，层次不够清楚。如第二段把描述车祸情况和发生原因混为一谈，而最后一段的总结又很牵强。
（3）全文有比较多的语言错误，而且有些是严重的错误。
At9:00amOctober25st(25th)2003,IsawatrafficaccidentonDaxueRoad.Atthattime,Iwasonmywaytoschool.
WhenIturnedrightonthecorner,amotorbikeknockedintoasmallcar.Themotorbikewasred,andthereare(were)twopersonsonthemotorbike.Thecarwasyellow.Themotorbikefelldown,andthetwopersonsonthemotorbikewereslightinjured.The(car)drivercameoutofthecaratonce,andaskedaboutthetwopersons.AssoonasIsawthat,Imadeatelephonecallto110.Thetrafficpolicearrivedinashorttime.
AccordingtowhatIsaw,Ithoughttheremaybeonereasonleadingtotheaccident.Thatwasthemotorbikekepttooshort（a）distantfromthecar.Whenthecarsloweddown,themotorbikecouldntslowdownintime.Sotheaccidenttookplace.
东方教育点评：（1）基本切题。
（2）文字连贯性不强，尤其是第二段，缺少一些必要的衔接词。
（3）简单句太多，可以考虑把一些合并成复合句。
（4）有些地方人称指代不明（如司机），容易引起误解
（5）有一些基本的时态、语法错误。
LastFridayafternoon,whenIwasonmywayhome,atrafficaccidenttookplaceatthecrossingofShanghaiRoad.
Apupilwasknockeddownbyablackcarwhenhewaswalkingacrossthestreet.Hislegswerebadlyhurt.Sever(Several)minuteslateranambulancecame,andthedriveroftheblackcarsentthepupiltothehospitalimmediately.
Inmyeyes,thisaccidentwasduetothatthepupilbrokethetrafficrules.Thatistosay,thepupilwalkedacrossthestreetwhenthetrafficlightswerered.Assoonasthedriversawthepupil,hestoppedthecar,however,itwastoolate.Inmyopinion,itwasnecessarytoadvocatepeopletoconfirmtothetrafficrules.Ifthepupilhadntbrokenthetrafficrules,theaccidentmightnothavehappened.
东方教育点评：(1)本文比较切题，表达思想清楚。
（2）语句比较通顺，但有少量语言错误。
MynameisLiming.Iamstudyingatcollege.AweekagoIsawatrafficaccident,whichisstillvividinmymind.
Itwasatabout9:00onSaturdaymorning,June15th,whenIwentoutoftheuniversitytovisitafriendofmineatanotheruniversity.IwaswalkingleisurelyonthesidewalkwhenIheardaloudcrashoftwovehiclesjustattheT-junctionabout10metersaway.Twotaxiscrashedtogether.Itwasatrafficaccident.
Iwentupandfoundthatthetwotaxiswerebadlydamaged.Bothhoofswereoutofshape.Onedoorofacarwasknockedoffandlyingontheroad.Onedriverwasbloodingandanotherwasshutinthetaxi.Somepeopleweretryingtohelpthedrivergetoutofthedamagedcar.Onemanwascallingtothetrafficpolicemanstation.Alotofcarswerejammedontheroad.
Fromthestoppingtrackontheroad,itisclearthatthetwotaxisweredrivingtoofast.Butitisjustoneofthereasons.Inmyopinion,thetaxidriversareeagertotakemorepassengersandmakealittlemoremoney.Ontheotherhand,bothdriversdontshowconcernforoneanother.Bothofthemwantedtoruninfrontofanother.Therefore,theaccidentisinevitable.Sofar,weshouldletthedriverskeepitintheirmindthatalittleslower,alittlesafer.Takingcareofotherslivesmeanstakingcareofyourownlife.
（2）表达清楚，描述详细生动。
（3）文字通顺，连贯性较好。
（4）基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。
2003年6月考试六级作文题：ChangesofOwnershipofHousesinChina
图表作文，图表内容是1990，1995，2000的公房和私房变化柱状表，趋势是公房越来越少，私房越来越多。
提纲：1.简单描述一下图表内容
2.变化原因
3.这个变化对个人和社会的影响
为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……
Itisdescernedthat（删掉）thenumberofpirate（private）houseshadbeenona（an）increasefrom1990to2000.In1990,itwasabout20percent;In1995itwas40percent;In2000,itwas80percent.
Thereweresomereasonsforthisfact.Oneofthemwastheimprovementofpeopleslivingconditions（condition）,allpeoplewantedtoownpiratehouses.
Ontheotherhand,peoplesincomewasona（an）increase,theycouldaffordtobuypiratehouses!
Obviously,thereweresomegoodthingsresultedfromthisfact.SuchasitcouldimproveChineseeconomy.Buttherewerealsosomebadthings,suchasittookmuchtimetogotowork!
东方教育点评：（1）本文基本切题。
（2）字数不够，要酌情扣分。
（2）第一段描述图表不应该单列举出数字，而是应该重点描写变化趋势；第二段说明理由不够充分；第三段说明影响有点牵强。
（4）全文语言错误较多。
Fromthegraphitisclearthatthepercentageofthestateownedhouseinchinainacityhasdecreasedgreatlyfrom75%in1990to20%in2000,whiletheprivatehousehasincreasedsharply.whathascausedthesechanges
Thereare,Ithink,atleasttwomainreasonsforthesechanges.tobeginwith,withthedevelopmentofthetechnologyandscience,peopleslivingstandardhasimprovedgreatlyandtheycanaffordtobuyhigh-gradedthingssuchasTV,computerandevenhouse.Secondlyitisduetothemindpeopleholdandtheecomonicpolicy.Asisknowntoall,thepriceofhouseisoftenveryhigh,andpeoplemust(usedto)savetheirmoney(for)manyyears,（however,）astheirmindschanged,theywenttothebanktoborrowmoneyandtheecomonicpolicyalsoencouragedthemtodoso.Theremaybesomeotherreasons,buttheabovementiondarecommonlyacceptable.
Toconclude,theownershipofhousesreflectthedevelopmentofourcountryandpeopleareenjoyingabetterlife,Iamfirmlysurethattheproductivityofthesocietywillkeepimprovingandpeoplewillenjoyamoreaffluentlifeinthenearfuture.