Thelittlegirlraiseduphertearfuleyestowardshermother.Forawhile,shetriedtoregaincommandofherselfandbehavedwell,butshefailedandweptadeep,abandonedsobbing.
Themancockedhisrifleanddirecteditatmychest.IwasjustabouttopulloutmygunwhenIfeltasharppaininmytorso.Iwastryingtoseewherethemanwas,butendedupseeingnothingbutmyownblood...
"Joey,Joey,"saidamysteriousvoice.Iopenedmyeyeswithastruggle.
"Whathappened"Iasked.
"Hey!"screamedSteve,"ThosearemynewNikeAirshoes!"
"whereareweanyways"Iasked.
Inearlyforgot.BothSteveandIweretakingacruisetoIceland.
"TheGreatWhiteistodeparturetoIceland!"shoutedtheP.A.
"Toilet,hereIcome..."IgroanedasIfumbledmywaydowntheaislesoftheship.
"Itoldyounottoeattoomuchfoodandthenrunaroundlikealunatic!"shoutedSteve."Peoplethesedays,"hemumbled,"whattheydoforattention."
"Passengers,wearejust1hourawayfromreachingIceland,"saidtheP.A,"wouldallpassengerspleasestayseatedforthenexthour."
"Ihopetheyhaveabuiltintoiletineachseat,"Isaidnervously,"becauseIfeelanotherloadcomingon."
"Whatwasthat"Iasked.
OneafternoonaboutaweekbeforeChristmas,myfamilyoffourpiledintoourminivantorunanerrand,andthisquestioncamefromasmallvoiceinthebackseat:"Dad,"beganmyfive-year-oldson,Patrick,"howcomeI"veneverseenyoucry"
Justlikethat.Nopreamble.Nowarning.Surprised,Imumbledsomethingaboutcryingwhenhewasn"taround,butIknewthatPatrickhadputhisyoungfingeronthelargestobstacletomyownpeaceandcontentment--thedragon-filledmoatseparatingmefromthefullesthumanexpressionofjoy,sadnessandanger.Simplyput,Icouldnotcry.
Iamscarcelytheonlymanforwhomthisistrue.Wemenhavebeenconditionedtobelievethatstoicismistheembodimentofstrength.Wehavetraveledthroughlifewithstiffupperlips,secretlydyingwithin.
FormostofmyadultlifeIhavebattleddepression.Doctorshavesaidmuchofmyproblemisphysiological,andtheyhavetreateditwithmedication.ButIknowthatmyillnessisalsoattributabletoyearsofswallowingrage,sadness,evenjoy.
Strangeasitseems,inthisworldwheremachoiseverything,drunkennessanddepressionaresaferwaysformentodealwithfeelingsthantears.Icouldonlyhopethesamedebilitatinghandicapwouldnotbepassedtothenextgeneration.
SothefollowingdaywhenPatrickandIwereinthevanafterplayingatapark,Ithankedhimforhiscuriosity.Tearsareagoodthing,Itoldhim,forboysandgirlsalike.CryingisGod"swayofhealingpeoplewhenthey"resad."I"mgladyoucancrywheneveryou"resad,"Isaid."Sometimesdaddieshaveahardertimeshowinghowtheyfeel.SomedayIhopetodobetter."
Patricknodded.Intruth,Iheldoutlittlehope.ButinthedaysbeforeChristmasIprayedthatsomehowIcouldconnectwiththedustycoreofmyownemotions.
"IwaswonderingifPatrickwouldsingaverseof"AwayinaManger"duringtheserviceonChristmasEve,"thechurchyouthdirectoraskedinamessageleftonouransweringmachine.
Mywife,Catherine,andIstruggledtocontainourexcitement.Ourson"sfirstsolo.
Catherinedelicatelybroachedthepossibility,remindingPatrickhowbeautifullyhesang,tellinghimhowmuchfunitwouldbe.Patrickhimselfseemedlessconvincedandfrowned."Youknow,Mom,"hesaid,"sometimeswhenIhavetodosomethingimportant,Igetkindofscared."
Grownupsfeelthatwaytoo,hewasassured,butthedecisionwaslefttohim.Hisdeliberationstookonlyafewminutes.
"Okay,"Patricksaid."I"lldoit."
Fromthetimehewasaninfant,Patrickhasenjoyedanunusualpassionformusic.ByagefourhecouldpoundoutseveralbarsofWagner"sRideoftheValkyriesonthepiano.
ForthenextweekPatrickpracticedhisstanzaseveraltimeswithhismother.Arehearsalatthechurchwentwell.Still,Icouldonlyenvisionmyselfatagefive,singingintoamicrophonebeforehundredsofpeople.WhenChristmasEvearrived,myexpectationswerelimited.
Catherine,ourdaughterMelanieandIsatwiththecongregationindarknessasaspotlightfoundmyson,standingaloneatthemicrophone.Hewasdressedinwhite,withapairofangelwings.
Slowly,confidently,Patrickhiteverynote.Ashisvoicewashedoverthepeople,heseemedatrueangel,atruebestowerofChristmasmiracles.
TherewaseternityinPatrick"svoicethatnight,abeautyrichenoughtopenetrateanyreserve.Atthesoundofmyson,heavytearswelledatthecornersofmyeyes.
Hissongwassoonover,andthecongregationapplauded.Catherinebrushedawaytears.Melaniesobbednexttome.
Aftertheservice,ImovedtocongratulatePatrick,buthehadmoreurgentpriorities."Mom,"hesaidashiscostumewasstrippedaway,"Ihavetogotothebathroom."
AsPatrickdisappeared,thepastorwishedmeaMerryChristmas,butemotionchokedoffmyreply.OutsidethesanctuaryIreceivedcongratulationsfromfellowchurchmembers.
Ifoundmysonasheemergedfromthebathroom."Patrick,Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomething,"Isaid,smiling.Itookhimbythehandandledhimintoaroomwherewecouldbealone.Iknelttohisheightandadmiredhisyoungface,thelargeblueeyes,thedustingoffrecklesonhisnoseandcheeks,thedimpleononeside.